Mediocrity can't be masked well in gory Splatterhouse
with Lyndsey Beatty
Mediocrity in a mask. That is the boiled-down experience that is perennial arcade terror dome Splatterhouse. There is so much to distill from the game and yet, nothing is satisfying or enjoyable about the trip to slasher lane.
Splatterhouse ran at a time when Jason Voorhees had already crawled and maimed his way through the landscape. So, it should come as no surprise when you see the iconic hockey mask dredged up to invoke old-school terror. The problem with this is if you aren't into Friday the 13th at all, you will immediately ask why some dude has on the mask and why Friday the 13th is being ripped off. The answer is because of inspiration. Right. It seems they weren't inspired enough to come up with a better idea than ripping off Friday the 13th and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure in one fell swoop.
All my troubles begin and end, however, with the shoddy controls and mechanics. Controlling the main character, Rick, is hard and a chore. Jumping is a chore, fighting monsters is a chore, picking up items is a chore. Existing in this game thanks to the miasma that chases Rick in the game is a chore. Everything about this is a chore. I get it, it's designed to be a quarter stealer, but this is just highway robbery at this point.
Matters are not helped by the fact that the aesthetic elements and lack of presentation beyond shock value are beyond bland. The shock value doesn't even rank that high, especially if you're hardened through the whip crack of Mortal Kombat's riding crop.
I'm old enough to remember being dumb enough to spend my hard-earned allowance trying to play this earnestly at Red Wing Rollerway in Columbia, S.C., on several heady Saturday mornings. While I was trying to master roller skating, there were video games to be had and Splatterhouse was just ... there. Existing, terribly.
And that's where we are now as an adult with the audacity to have taste. I'm returning to the game 36 years later with more critical thinking skills and no desire to expose myself to the stone mask, uh, hockey mask, uh, Hell Mask or Rick's vain attempts to save his girlfriend and then restart the final quest repeatedly. There is absolutely nothing here that is compelling or hasn't been done better in other places. Run from Splatterhouse like that you're getting away from the relentless miasma.
Lyndsey Beatty is editor-in-chief of Gaming Insurrection. She can be reached by email at lyndseyb@gaminginsurrection.com
Splatterhouse ran at a time when Jason Voorhees had already crawled and maimed his way through the landscape. So, it should come as no surprise when you see the iconic hockey mask dredged up to invoke old-school terror. The problem with this is if you aren't into Friday the 13th at all, you will immediately ask why some dude has on the mask and why Friday the 13th is being ripped off. The answer is because of inspiration. Right. It seems they weren't inspired enough to come up with a better idea than ripping off Friday the 13th and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure in one fell swoop.
All my troubles begin and end, however, with the shoddy controls and mechanics. Controlling the main character, Rick, is hard and a chore. Jumping is a chore, fighting monsters is a chore, picking up items is a chore. Existing in this game thanks to the miasma that chases Rick in the game is a chore. Everything about this is a chore. I get it, it's designed to be a quarter stealer, but this is just highway robbery at this point.
Matters are not helped by the fact that the aesthetic elements and lack of presentation beyond shock value are beyond bland. The shock value doesn't even rank that high, especially if you're hardened through the whip crack of Mortal Kombat's riding crop.
I'm old enough to remember being dumb enough to spend my hard-earned allowance trying to play this earnestly at Red Wing Rollerway in Columbia, S.C., on several heady Saturday mornings. While I was trying to master roller skating, there were video games to be had and Splatterhouse was just ... there. Existing, terribly.
And that's where we are now as an adult with the audacity to have taste. I'm returning to the game 36 years later with more critical thinking skills and no desire to expose myself to the stone mask, uh, hockey mask, uh, Hell Mask or Rick's vain attempts to save his girlfriend and then restart the final quest repeatedly. There is absolutely nothing here that is compelling or hasn't been done better in other places. Run from Splatterhouse like that you're getting away from the relentless miasma.
Lyndsey Beatty is editor-in-chief of Gaming Insurrection. She can be reached by email at lyndseyb@gaminginsurrection.com